Elisabeth Elliot wasn’t anything like I thought she was. And she had a string of tragic relationships with men, including an emotionally abusive relationship.
I loved the biography by Lucy Austen. I haven’t yet read the Vaughn bios.
I have such affection for Elisabeth Elliot, but I had to unfollow The Elisabeth Elliot Foundation on Instagram after I read the biography because I have a hard time reading her words, especially from her later years, knowing the awful context she lived in and how she felt that submitting to an abusive husband was God’s will. It’s heartbreaking.
I came away from my reading of both bios with a heavy heart. My response was visceral--for example, as a speaker myself I would be sick to my stomach if I had to face criticism from my husband after every speaking gig!
Yes, I would agree with you there. It's very sad, and I think understanding what she endured is a cautionary tale. I'm sorry to learn what she experienced and how she was treated. She deserved better. It brings a different understanding to some of her writing and talks. I've always liked Elisabeth Elliott, though as I got older I saw some of her writing and teaching in a different light.
Definitely, Michele. A few of her experiences felt familiar to me. So I guess that compassion goes to myself as well. Sometimes we marry someone who isn't terribly well equipped for marriage. Wiring plays into this (neurodivergence). I remember speaking at my father's memorial and being criticized on the drive home afterwards (even though I knew what I said honored my father and was meaningful to those present). That was a painful experience. It wasn't okay with me then. But thankfully he has grown quite a bit since that time, and I don't think he'd make that mistake again. I guess my point is that the choice to continue in relationships is very personal and one that most of us make prayerfully. I am thankful for the love and support of close Christian friends and family during those early rough patches.
I'm glad that I had the opportunity to read all three this year and reflect on them. Two of the books, those by Vaughn, were borrowed from a friend. The book by Austen I bought. I have several thoughts about Elisabeth's life, and that is really what we're talking about is her life and the choices she made.
Elisabeth was born the same month and year as my mother. There are some similarities in their personalities and responses in life. Both women were stoic, had fixed ideas about certain things, persevering, long-suffering, and private. Elisabeth kept journals. My mother did not keep journals. Both women kept notes, letters, pictures, and other mementos. Both women were married to men who were controlling and bullying and verbally abusive. My mother had been a young widow like Elisabeth. And when they were young widows, they also had young children.
After my dad's death he left 40 years of journals to me. It took a while, but I read all of them through a period of a few years. I learned about various areas of his life: work, church and all those committees he was in, carpool problems, life at home, he and mother's relationship, my brothers and sisters and things I didn't know about them, history this includes Watergate and presidential elections, and my life. I relived my life through dad's perspective. Some things I read needed clarification. Some things I read were uncomfortable. Some things I read were surprising. Some things I read were little messages hidden away addressed to me: "Someday Annette when you read this....." With my own journal writing I am careful in what I write as someday my kids and grandkids will read them. I don't want someone to be hurt or to wish they'd not read what I had written. I cannot imagine my journal writings would ever be used to write a book about my life. Horror! And on a last thought about journal writing. The journal writer writes what they want to write, from their perspective, from their feelings, etc. No human knows 100% about another person. We are given and shown only so much information. It is selective.
Like all people, Elisabeth made choices based on the information she had at the time of decision. And as a Christian she would have prayed about decisions like marriage and writing books and what to lecture/teach. She was imperfect as we all are. It is easy to say that we would do something different. But we were not living Elisabeth Elliot's life. I certainly regret some decisions that I made. Sheesh. I think, gosh, I could have had a better, happier life. Maybe. What is certain is that I have and will again in the future say things and do things I wish later I had not. Elisabeth chose to stay married despite feeling that she'd made a mistake. She made that choice. It was not ours to make. I can relate to that feeling that I'd made a mistake. I have been married 42 years. A long and hard 42 years. Now, things are fine. But lots of sad memories of the past from the wedding day forward. I have chosen to stay married. I have heard lots of terrible talk from people asking me if I am stupid, dumb, or ignorant. I have not been physically abused. But words hurt. I read a piece from Tim Challies not long ago, it is about disappointments in life. The title is The Practice of Accepting Disappointments. That and many other things I've read have helped me. At my age, 60, there has been a big reconciliation with myself in regard to accepting and making peace with the life I have lived.
My last thought. I've been reading and writing book reviews since 2007; I have read many books that I have disagreed with or even unliked the author or subject. Yet, most often, I walk away with learning something about me. In reading the book about Elisabeth Elliot, I learned she was a remarkable person in how she responded to the disappointments, sadness, and tragedy in life. She lived an imperfect life, but she loved the Lord. She continued to serve Him. She wanted other Christians to grow in their relationship with Him, and to serve Him even in the hard of life. I cannot avoid problems. I cannot avoid making mistakes. I can respond to hard situations and disappointments with prayer and in depending on the Lord to handle all of it, this includes all of that stuff I cannot see.
I feel like I have to clarify. I am not saying it is a good thing, the right thing, to stay in an abusive marriage. I am saying it is that person's choice. I can have an opinion all day long, but it is still that person's choice.
Annette, thank you so much for sharing this thoughtful reply! I'm sorry I didn't reply until now. I loved how you shared about your father's journals and how you've been careful with what you've written in yours. I'm pretty sure I have some journals I'll need to burn. ;-) Because not only is what I wrote selective, it's also just the sort of things I needed to get off my chest, but not the sort of journaling I feel best reflects the fullness of my life. I think that in the past it was more common to journal more fully (not so much as a therapeutic practice, but instead an account of your life). One example of this is Anne Lindbergh (Charles Lindbergh's wife) who ended up publishing her journals.
I also hear the careful parsing you are sharing on how to think about her staying with her husband. I don't really condemn her for staying, I just think it's awfully sad. I do agree that it was her right to make that decision and that she was doing it trying her best to honor God. I have a relative who was in a similar situation around the same generation, and I don't think it was necessarily wrong for her to stay, but yet it didn’t necessarily feel right either.
My main question is not about her personal decision to stay, but more expanded out to her legacy to women in her teaching. It's one thing to decide for yourself to do one thing. It's another to teach others to do the same. She had a huge impact on how many thought of marriage for more than one generation. None of us have perfect marriages, so no one can give perfect marriage advice. Jesus said that a disciple is not above his teacher, but that everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. In some ways, my concern is that those who followed, not just her advice, but advice from others in similarly abusive marriages, will only ever be able to achieve a marriage as sad and flawed as hers, because that’s all the experience she had to offer.
While many people in similar situations use their life experience to help others not fall into the same situation, Elliot's marriage advice would have encouraged others to make the same decisions she did and that part of her legacy deserves careful consideration.
I enjoyed reading your wisdom about this. I think I agree.
Elisabeth’s story is sad. Any story of a lively and talented woman being emotionally coerced and belittled by a man is sad. Maybe we see her story as especially sad because traditional marriage roles were what she made her life’s teaching about.
I recently read Under the Shadow of the Almighty, Elisabeth’s anthology detailing all of Jim Elliot’s life.
I can’t help but notice that we acknowledge Jim’s choice to keep returning to the Waoroni people, even in the face of death, as heroic.
Jim’s journals and personal correspondences reveal that saw foreign missions as the calling of his life from an early age. Beyond this, he was convinced of (maybe even obsessed with) the fact that he would die young, predicting an early death several times.
Maybe it’s in poor taste to compare this to Elisabeth’s marriage to Lars. But she was also convinced of her callings— marriage, submission, and biblical womanhood. It’s obvious to any that having staunch views about biblical submission can get one into trouble, especially when one makes an incredibly poor choice of spouse as she did. “What a waste of a bright woman,” we might say. “What a waste of 38 years of her life.” But though her husband Jim’s young life seemed a waste, no one really says “What a waste” about Jim Elliot. We have the luxury of hindsight and we can see many wonderful things God did through his death. Unfortunately, God’s purposes are not always readily apparent. But He can work even through our own poor choices, mistakes, our obsessions, our strong personality traits, our unhealthy beliefs… He did for Jim. Why would we assume any less for Elisabeth Elliot and her faithfulness to a terrible man?
R.C. thank you for sharing your thoughts. One thing to note here: Long before I understood any of the difficult parts of Elisabeth's marriages, I had read some pretty damning criticism of Jim. I share that not because I am fully in agreement with all of the criticism (It's been some time since I read the articles on the topic), but rather to say that it's definitely not true that he also hasn't faced deep criticism, and that some people, while seeing God use his death, also view the situation as preventable and not admirable. I definitely agree that God can work through all things, and that also includes understanding that our heroes were very flawed and didn't always teach the right things, understand the right things, or make the right choices, too. Part of their legacy is understanding the gift their lives brought, but also the negative repercussions from them (and that's true for all of us!). Thank goodness that God can still work through the messes we make!
Annette, I really appreciated this thoughtful comment, and I was struck by several things you said. It's true...each person makes choices, and they alone know the full story of why they make those choices. I really liked these words of yours, " In reading the book about Elisabeth Elliot, I learned she was a remarkable person in how she responded to the disappointments, sadness, and tragedy in life. She lived an imperfect life, but she loved the Lord. She continued to serve Him. She wanted other Christians to grow in their relationship with Him, and to serve Him even in the hard of life. I cannot avoid problems. I cannot avoid making mistakes. I can respond to hard situations and disappointments with prayer and in depending on the Lord to handle all of it, this includes all of that stuff I cannot see." I'm going to check out your Substack. I married for the first time later in life and it hasn't necessarily been easy at all. We went through times that nearly led to separation, but after a lot of work things are better than they were, and I have made conscious choices along the way, prayerful choices that I don't regret. I believe those choices are between me and God, and I want to be obedient to His leading. I only say that to say I agree with so much you said here. It's easy to form impressions or judge situations, but there's always more to the story when two human beings are involved. I don't think anyone has to take emotional abuse over time just like I don't think anyone has to accept physical mistreatment or neglect. I think the thing that set Elisabeth Elliott apart was her desire to honor and live for God and the fact that she was a writer and speaker. I wish we could have known her and helped her navigate some of those things in ways that would have been healthier for her. But as you said, each person gets to make choices. I would imagine her family felt considerable pain at watching her treated poorly. This article gave me a different look at Jim Elliott, but I had read books which included his words, and already wondered about some things and attitudes he held. Bottom line, we are all human, and while people may portray one thing publicly or keep some things private by choice, they may be suffering in ways not everyone is aware of. Thanks, @Kimi Harris, for this article.
Thank you for taking the time to review these biographies. I have soooooo much baggage leftover from reading Let Me Be A Woman and Passion and Purity, that I feel like I do need greater context for understanding this woman. But I also need a break from processing baggage. lol. Reading it through the lens of others in small snippets like this is all I can handle at the moment. So please know your essay is a service to others.
Thank you for this review. I have not read any of the books by Elizabeth but I have heard of her most of my life. The comment thread has been so interesting. I remember how moved we were by the movie that came out years ago about Jim and their life. I’ve read several articles recently on this part of their life I knew nothing about I continue to find it disappointing to learn of the mistreatment of women by their husbands in ministry. My own mom was a very successful business woman in the 60s and 70s. She worked mostly with men and achieved many things in her position. I’m working on an essay about her life as a successful business woman but also at the role of women in the church during that time. So much I’ve reflected on in writing that and now reading this. as I reflected over my moms life I thought about the difficult marriage she had with my dad. She was able to stand her ground at work with men she encountered over various situations but at home she just stayed silent. There was no physical abuse but my dad was an angry person. She too chose to stay married as she believed that’s what you were suppose to do. I look forward to reading these biographies on Elizabeth and learning more.
I loved the biography by Lucy Austen. I haven’t yet read the Vaughn bios.
I have such affection for Elisabeth Elliot, but I had to unfollow The Elisabeth Elliot Foundation on Instagram after I read the biography because I have a hard time reading her words, especially from her later years, knowing the awful context she lived in and how she felt that submitting to an abusive husband was God’s will. It’s heartbreaking.
I came away from my reading of both bios with a heavy heart. My response was visceral--for example, as a speaker myself I would be sick to my stomach if I had to face criticism from my husband after every speaking gig!
I know. Even that one aspect of their marriage alone made me feel so sick to my stomach. What a cruel way to live.
It left me feeling sickened and also wondering what she SHOULD have done differently
Yes, I would agree with you there. It's very sad, and I think understanding what she endured is a cautionary tale. I'm sorry to learn what she experienced and how she was treated. She deserved better. It brings a different understanding to some of her writing and talks. I've always liked Elisabeth Elliott, though as I got older I saw some of her writing and teaching in a different light.
Yes, I hear her with more compassion.
Definitely, Michele. A few of her experiences felt familiar to me. So I guess that compassion goes to myself as well. Sometimes we marry someone who isn't terribly well equipped for marriage. Wiring plays into this (neurodivergence). I remember speaking at my father's memorial and being criticized on the drive home afterwards (even though I knew what I said honored my father and was meaningful to those present). That was a painful experience. It wasn't okay with me then. But thankfully he has grown quite a bit since that time, and I don't think he'd make that mistake again. I guess my point is that the choice to continue in relationships is very personal and one that most of us make prayerfully. I am thankful for the love and support of close Christian friends and family during those early rough patches.
You certainly do have a basis for understanding her plight. And I wonder if EE had not been such a public figure if she would have sought help?
"...perhaps here she lay at peace and acceptance, giving up her ideas and hope for the life she longed for."
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
It does not bring peace.
Resignation is a coping strategy for inescapable trauma.
So much to unpack and consider here. Looks like I need to read these books!
They are fascinating! I feel like even after two volumes, we only get a small glimpse of this multi-faceted woman.
I honestly was completely in the dark about the reality, and had just made a ton of assumptions. Thank you for this write up!
I think most of us made a lot of assumptions!
I read all three biographies about Elisabeth Elliot this year.
Good for you! What did you walk away with feeling and thinking about Elliot?
I'm glad that I had the opportunity to read all three this year and reflect on them. Two of the books, those by Vaughn, were borrowed from a friend. The book by Austen I bought. I have several thoughts about Elisabeth's life, and that is really what we're talking about is her life and the choices she made.
Elisabeth was born the same month and year as my mother. There are some similarities in their personalities and responses in life. Both women were stoic, had fixed ideas about certain things, persevering, long-suffering, and private. Elisabeth kept journals. My mother did not keep journals. Both women kept notes, letters, pictures, and other mementos. Both women were married to men who were controlling and bullying and verbally abusive. My mother had been a young widow like Elisabeth. And when they were young widows, they also had young children.
After my dad's death he left 40 years of journals to me. It took a while, but I read all of them through a period of a few years. I learned about various areas of his life: work, church and all those committees he was in, carpool problems, life at home, he and mother's relationship, my brothers and sisters and things I didn't know about them, history this includes Watergate and presidential elections, and my life. I relived my life through dad's perspective. Some things I read needed clarification. Some things I read were uncomfortable. Some things I read were surprising. Some things I read were little messages hidden away addressed to me: "Someday Annette when you read this....." With my own journal writing I am careful in what I write as someday my kids and grandkids will read them. I don't want someone to be hurt or to wish they'd not read what I had written. I cannot imagine my journal writings would ever be used to write a book about my life. Horror! And on a last thought about journal writing. The journal writer writes what they want to write, from their perspective, from their feelings, etc. No human knows 100% about another person. We are given and shown only so much information. It is selective.
Like all people, Elisabeth made choices based on the information she had at the time of decision. And as a Christian she would have prayed about decisions like marriage and writing books and what to lecture/teach. She was imperfect as we all are. It is easy to say that we would do something different. But we were not living Elisabeth Elliot's life. I certainly regret some decisions that I made. Sheesh. I think, gosh, I could have had a better, happier life. Maybe. What is certain is that I have and will again in the future say things and do things I wish later I had not. Elisabeth chose to stay married despite feeling that she'd made a mistake. She made that choice. It was not ours to make. I can relate to that feeling that I'd made a mistake. I have been married 42 years. A long and hard 42 years. Now, things are fine. But lots of sad memories of the past from the wedding day forward. I have chosen to stay married. I have heard lots of terrible talk from people asking me if I am stupid, dumb, or ignorant. I have not been physically abused. But words hurt. I read a piece from Tim Challies not long ago, it is about disappointments in life. The title is The Practice of Accepting Disappointments. That and many other things I've read have helped me. At my age, 60, there has been a big reconciliation with myself in regard to accepting and making peace with the life I have lived.
My last thought. I've been reading and writing book reviews since 2007; I have read many books that I have disagreed with or even unliked the author or subject. Yet, most often, I walk away with learning something about me. In reading the book about Elisabeth Elliot, I learned she was a remarkable person in how she responded to the disappointments, sadness, and tragedy in life. She lived an imperfect life, but she loved the Lord. She continued to serve Him. She wanted other Christians to grow in their relationship with Him, and to serve Him even in the hard of life. I cannot avoid problems. I cannot avoid making mistakes. I can respond to hard situations and disappointments with prayer and in depending on the Lord to handle all of it, this includes all of that stuff I cannot see.
I feel like I have to clarify. I am not saying it is a good thing, the right thing, to stay in an abusive marriage. I am saying it is that person's choice. I can have an opinion all day long, but it is still that person's choice.
Annette, thank you so much for sharing this thoughtful reply! I'm sorry I didn't reply until now. I loved how you shared about your father's journals and how you've been careful with what you've written in yours. I'm pretty sure I have some journals I'll need to burn. ;-) Because not only is what I wrote selective, it's also just the sort of things I needed to get off my chest, but not the sort of journaling I feel best reflects the fullness of my life. I think that in the past it was more common to journal more fully (not so much as a therapeutic practice, but instead an account of your life). One example of this is Anne Lindbergh (Charles Lindbergh's wife) who ended up publishing her journals.
I also hear the careful parsing you are sharing on how to think about her staying with her husband. I don't really condemn her for staying, I just think it's awfully sad. I do agree that it was her right to make that decision and that she was doing it trying her best to honor God. I have a relative who was in a similar situation around the same generation, and I don't think it was necessarily wrong for her to stay, but yet it didn’t necessarily feel right either.
My main question is not about her personal decision to stay, but more expanded out to her legacy to women in her teaching. It's one thing to decide for yourself to do one thing. It's another to teach others to do the same. She had a huge impact on how many thought of marriage for more than one generation. None of us have perfect marriages, so no one can give perfect marriage advice. Jesus said that a disciple is not above his teacher, but that everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. In some ways, my concern is that those who followed, not just her advice, but advice from others in similarly abusive marriages, will only ever be able to achieve a marriage as sad and flawed as hers, because that’s all the experience she had to offer.
While many people in similar situations use their life experience to help others not fall into the same situation, Elliot's marriage advice would have encouraged others to make the same decisions she did and that part of her legacy deserves careful consideration.
I enjoyed reading your wisdom about this. I think I agree.
Elisabeth’s story is sad. Any story of a lively and talented woman being emotionally coerced and belittled by a man is sad. Maybe we see her story as especially sad because traditional marriage roles were what she made her life’s teaching about.
I recently read Under the Shadow of the Almighty, Elisabeth’s anthology detailing all of Jim Elliot’s life.
I can’t help but notice that we acknowledge Jim’s choice to keep returning to the Waoroni people, even in the face of death, as heroic.
Jim’s journals and personal correspondences reveal that saw foreign missions as the calling of his life from an early age. Beyond this, he was convinced of (maybe even obsessed with) the fact that he would die young, predicting an early death several times.
Maybe it’s in poor taste to compare this to Elisabeth’s marriage to Lars. But she was also convinced of her callings— marriage, submission, and biblical womanhood. It’s obvious to any that having staunch views about biblical submission can get one into trouble, especially when one makes an incredibly poor choice of spouse as she did. “What a waste of a bright woman,” we might say. “What a waste of 38 years of her life.” But though her husband Jim’s young life seemed a waste, no one really says “What a waste” about Jim Elliot. We have the luxury of hindsight and we can see many wonderful things God did through his death. Unfortunately, God’s purposes are not always readily apparent. But He can work even through our own poor choices, mistakes, our obsessions, our strong personality traits, our unhealthy beliefs… He did for Jim. Why would we assume any less for Elisabeth Elliot and her faithfulness to a terrible man?
R.C. thank you for sharing your thoughts. One thing to note here: Long before I understood any of the difficult parts of Elisabeth's marriages, I had read some pretty damning criticism of Jim. I share that not because I am fully in agreement with all of the criticism (It's been some time since I read the articles on the topic), but rather to say that it's definitely not true that he also hasn't faced deep criticism, and that some people, while seeing God use his death, also view the situation as preventable and not admirable. I definitely agree that God can work through all things, and that also includes understanding that our heroes were very flawed and didn't always teach the right things, understand the right things, or make the right choices, too. Part of their legacy is understanding the gift their lives brought, but also the negative repercussions from them (and that's true for all of us!). Thank goodness that God can still work through the messes we make!
Amen! And thank you for the article. It’s really made me think.
Annette, I really appreciated this thoughtful comment, and I was struck by several things you said. It's true...each person makes choices, and they alone know the full story of why they make those choices. I really liked these words of yours, " In reading the book about Elisabeth Elliot, I learned she was a remarkable person in how she responded to the disappointments, sadness, and tragedy in life. She lived an imperfect life, but she loved the Lord. She continued to serve Him. She wanted other Christians to grow in their relationship with Him, and to serve Him even in the hard of life. I cannot avoid problems. I cannot avoid making mistakes. I can respond to hard situations and disappointments with prayer and in depending on the Lord to handle all of it, this includes all of that stuff I cannot see." I'm going to check out your Substack. I married for the first time later in life and it hasn't necessarily been easy at all. We went through times that nearly led to separation, but after a lot of work things are better than they were, and I have made conscious choices along the way, prayerful choices that I don't regret. I believe those choices are between me and God, and I want to be obedient to His leading. I only say that to say I agree with so much you said here. It's easy to form impressions or judge situations, but there's always more to the story when two human beings are involved. I don't think anyone has to take emotional abuse over time just like I don't think anyone has to accept physical mistreatment or neglect. I think the thing that set Elisabeth Elliott apart was her desire to honor and live for God and the fact that she was a writer and speaker. I wish we could have known her and helped her navigate some of those things in ways that would have been healthier for her. But as you said, each person gets to make choices. I would imagine her family felt considerable pain at watching her treated poorly. This article gave me a different look at Jim Elliott, but I had read books which included his words, and already wondered about some things and attitudes he held. Bottom line, we are all human, and while people may portray one thing publicly or keep some things private by choice, they may be suffering in ways not everyone is aware of. Thanks, @Kimi Harris, for this article.
Thank you for taking the time to review these biographies. I have soooooo much baggage leftover from reading Let Me Be A Woman and Passion and Purity, that I feel like I do need greater context for understanding this woman. But I also need a break from processing baggage. lol. Reading it through the lens of others in small snippets like this is all I can handle at the moment. So please know your essay is a service to others.
I completely understand! Thank you for your kind words. ❤️
Thank you for this review. I have not read any of the books by Elizabeth but I have heard of her most of my life. The comment thread has been so interesting. I remember how moved we were by the movie that came out years ago about Jim and their life. I’ve read several articles recently on this part of their life I knew nothing about I continue to find it disappointing to learn of the mistreatment of women by their husbands in ministry. My own mom was a very successful business woman in the 60s and 70s. She worked mostly with men and achieved many things in her position. I’m working on an essay about her life as a successful business woman but also at the role of women in the church during that time. So much I’ve reflected on in writing that and now reading this. as I reflected over my moms life I thought about the difficult marriage she had with my dad. She was able to stand her ground at work with men she encountered over various situations but at home she just stayed silent. There was no physical abuse but my dad was an angry person. She too chose to stay married as she believed that’s what you were suppose to do. I look forward to reading these biographies on Elizabeth and learning more.